I Have Commitment Issues

There is no such thing as a "neutral" color. There is only too pink, too orange, too brown, too green, or too ugly. "Basic beige" is a concept that doesn't exist in the paint world. The world where my entire life has been hanging in the balance somewhere between Rowhouse Tan and Navajo White. Buzzard took Monday and Tuesday off work so he could unpack camping gear and recover from the Colorado trip. So, for roughly 48 hours I had him stationed in a chair in the living room staring at this wall and begging him to put into words for me his exact feelings about the color Barcelona Beige. (Who knew working as a tax analyst could be more exciting than a day off at home??)

Meanwhile, I have a new man in my life and his name is Stewart. We've been seeing a lot of each other. He is kind, patient, and works at the Sherwin Williams down the street. The exact Sherwin Williams where I've been duped seven times into thinking I've found the perfect neutral.

I now own enough sample quarts of paint to build a small igloo. Please, if you need beige paint, call me. Chances are good I have exactly what you need in stock and ready for immediate shipment. :-)

I thought I'd make this torturous experience family friendly, so, I painted my sample dots up the staircase and named each color after one of my children. I thought that would sway them to take more interest in this project since they could root for "their" color. Yeah, whatever.

I hired a color specialist to come to my house last month and help me choose colors. I thought I was pleased with the choices we made, but when the samples went up on the walls, I started to panic. Nothing looked right to me. I felt like I was spending more time with Stewart than my own family, and frankly, he seemed less enthused to see me each time I burst through his door with another fist full of samples and six more tales of woe. So, I sat down at my computer late Monday night and looked to blog world for inspiration.

If you cruise around blog world much, you probably know about Nester. She's color savvy, and dispenses all kinds of hip tips on how to look great on the cheap. She has a love affair with a paint color called Tobacco Road, and I searched through her old posts to find the exact recipe for the color that was sure to save my life. Because if you can't trust a girl from the internet who lives in another state and who you have never actually met before to bail you out of a decorating dilemma, then what has this world come to?

You just know I was at Sherwin Williams at 6:55 in the a.m. on Tuesday waiting on my Stewart to open shop and bursting with anticipation to travel down Tobacco Road. Another sample quart. Another polka dot on my wall. But this time, I was certain the color was going to be the love of my life. So it needed a very special name.

Tobacco Road was indeed a great color, but it had a slight greenish cast to it that was emphasized by the reddish tones in my furniture. Buzzard pulled rank at this point and had the color specialist come back to rescue us. Maybe he felt threatened by my relationship with Stewart. Or maybe he was annoyed that I forked over a healthy portion of our monthly income to Stewart in exchange for seven hundred sample quarts. Whatever the reason, I was very excited to see Juli arrive at my house with her wealth of color wheel knowledge.

The first thing she told me was that you never, ever, EVER try to choose colors by painting small circles of several colors close together on the same wall.

Oh. So this method probably disappointed her.

The next thing she did was guide me to a color that is exactly like Tobacco Road without the green tint. I got my larger samples on the wall, and I think I'm almost ready to commit to Autumn Blonde. It's everything a beige should be....warm, versatile, soothing, and obviously far superior to Rowhouse Tan.

Now I just have to make sure it will work with Dromedary Camel, which is the accent color for the dining room. So, if you'll excuse me, I've got someone to go see.

"Steeewwwwaaarrrrrtttt!!!!!!!!!!!!"